LIFE IS SHORT

LIVE IT!!!

SO MUCH HAS BEEN GOING ON, IT IS VERY CRAZY!!!


Firstly, I am in colombia. I have been here for a month and I have 11 months to go. It is almost surreal but i really like being here(most of the time).

Secondly, I am in love(maybe this should be first?). You know the type of love that makes being continents apart of no consequence? As in me? In a LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP? But we thank God sha that all my family issues and my stupid mistakes have not ruined me completely. I am still naive enough to want to believe that distance is not an issue and love conquers all..HA HA HA. I hope these words do not come back and haunt me. But sha sha.. I am in love. lol.

Thirdly, I need advice you guys. I have a friend and she claims to love some guy. But because I am a VIP(in my own eyes o) word has been reaching me that this guy is a player and a cheat and what not. She is one of my best friends, so I had to tell her. But she won't listen o. She is convinced he loves her and he wants to marry her. Now I don't know what to do. Should I just watch and fold my arms and watch her get hurt? She has been through so much and according to my mister, I can not help her. He is sure she is going to crash and burn and I am terrified. she is my best friend, I really want to know if there is something I can do to help. Suggestions are very welcome.

SO back to my Colombian adventures. I am here, doing an exchange programme for a year. Working for a great organisation and learning spanish. I love Colombia, especially the city I live in which is small but has a cool european vibe. It is really surreal to be here. I will talk about it more in my future posts. I want to share my experiences here with you guys. Colombia reminds me of Nigeria in a lot of ways though, their food is similar, they have mosquitoes, blah blah and so on(apparently something about both countries being tropical).

I know I have been MIA for a long time but I did not want to blog about insignificant things. The significant things were too depressing and I just did not want to be depressed.

and in case you lot were wondering, I finished uni with a 2.1 which is not exactly a first BUT WE THANK GOD FOR HIS BLESSINGS.. ha ha.

Anyways pple.. I am coming to stalk your blogs.

xoxo.

I finish Uni in a few days. Actually I am kind of finished just waiting for my results which will hopefully be good enough.

I am supposed to be packing and I just can't seem to do anything. I keep feeling overwhelmed. The end of three years, meeting new people, knowing new people. Some become friends and others don't. This place has been my escape for the past 3 years. I always run here and hide when I am trying to avoid my family or whatever. I have been lucky to be in one of the good unis that happens to be outside london. The place is often refered to as a village and I love it that way.

I am not ready to leave. I started packing, started playing my Sarah Mclachlan Mirrorball album and I have to keep fighting this urge to burst into tears.

In my three years here, I have learnt so much. I have made so many mistakes, made friends, lost friends. I think I have discovered who I am and the person I want to be.

I also realise that it is time to leave my little bubble and step into the real world. I have to face reality at some point and stop running. I have to leave a lot of junk behind in this place and start afresh. Take the good stuff I have learnt and leave behind the excess baggage.

We had our final party last night and I totally forgot it was also time for Goodbyes. I won't see a lot of people once we leave this place and I should have said Goodbye but I just forgot.

I just hope I keep the good friends I have made despite the distance or whatever.

I know God has blessed me in so many ways that I can only be thankful to him for his mercies. He has shown me so much and given me strength even when I forgot to call on him, his love has been constant.

okay, now I have to go back to packing.

still here...(i think)

Honestly, this whole trying to make sure i dont fail my final year exams and assessments is not stress free o. Been buried in books for so long, doing stupid essays that i HATE HATE HATE AND HATE!!! and each one is not less that 5000 words.. PLS SAVE ME!!!

I am out of my touch with reality it is highly disturbing. My nights and Days are the same, i dont know which is which or what day it isor what time it is.. i just wake and write and wake up and write.

Needless to say, this is doing NOTHING for my keeping fit and healthy plan. Junk food is the only type of food that i have had time to eat. And my pocket is not exactly full, in fact it is freaking OVERDRAWN!!!

My Mother has been in the country for two weeks and I have spoken to her TWICE and still havent seen her, because of essays. Who sent me? wish i did something like maths that did not involve essays.

I even wanted to write about my birthday celebration two weeks ago and I just couldn't. I am 22. I thank God for everything he has done in my life, if he was charging me, i would never ever ever be able to pay him for his wonderful services, because i have SCREWED UP IN TOO MANY WAYS in the last two years. THIS YEAR IS GOING TO BE DIFFERENT .. I just KNOW!!!

Thinking about good things, I am healthy and well and not dying or starving, that is good enough for me. And God has given me all the resources I need, it is a matter of me using them and stop being freaking lazy.. still working on that.

Mr. Jinta, I am here o, just trying to finish uni well enough. (Thanks so much for the concern).

OH pls don't forget me in your prayers . I dont care if you dont know I am.

xxx

First of all...let me just say... THE DEVIL IS A LIAR...(yes i blame him for everything..lol)

I almost missed church.. for what reason? I woke up this morning after a lot of procastination and time checking, I finally got up, put on a cd and went into the shower. The music was getting to me so I decided to dance a little while I tried to figure out what to wear to the house of the Lord. Finally, beautiful soul is all dressed when she realises that she has no make up on. LAI LAI.. I wont go anywhere without my face being duly painted, na so I decide, oya let me get my make up bag put on some powder and eye liner and LO AND BEHOLD..

I couldn't find my make up bag. It was not in it's usual position,
let me check under the pile of clothes on the chair, make up bag is not there.
Okay, let me check the last handbag I carried, it should be there, no make up bag there either. EHN.. AT THIS POINT I AM GOING CRAZY, TALKING VERY LOUDLY TO MYSELF.. looking everywhere in my tiny campus room for this make up bad, checked in my laundry bag, nothing, checked my underwear drawer, nothing, under the bed, nothing, in the box i havent opened in two weeks and still nothing.
I swear I was on the verge of tears, the thought of me going to church without make up on was inconceivable. I mean how can I go to church with no make up on? Never. I just had to find this make up bag. Bear in mind that I had already missed the bus and the next one was not for another thirty minutes so I was definitely going to be late, in fact I had even decided I was going NOWHERE if I did not find this make up bag. FINALLY, it occured to me that I was not gonna find this bag, so I decided to just glance in the mirror and what I saw was not so bad. I saw a fresh faced girl with curly short hair with tears streaming down her face and I was just amazed at myself.
As in, I really was not gonna go to church just because I had no make up on. Not like maybe I had some hot toaster in church o, or I know more than the same five people from uni at the church o. I just hissed, put more moisturizer on my face, packed my bible and things and decided I was gonna make it to that church whether I was gonna be late or not, make up or not.

As I said before The devil is a liar, I shall never be too vain to blow off going to church just because I have no make up. I am not ugly and I dont need make up to conceal anything. The make up bag is still AWOL and I have resolved myself to the fact that I have to start investing in new make up. Whenever I can afford it. FINISH.

I know so many people that are so uncomfortable with their natural selves that they have to paint layers and layers of make up on just to walk around in their house. I know a girl like this, she was my best friend's flat mate and everytime I went to visit for the weekend, this babe ALWAYS ALWAYS had make up on and I am not talking just subtle make up o, I mean the whole works and the sad part of it is that she doesnt even look good with all the make up. She looks so freaky you know like all those women who play witches in nollywood films, by the time she puts 3 different types of powder on, her contacts, the eye liner, the fake lashes, the mascara, the blusher, the everything, I dont even know what else, she looks so freaky, I literally can't look her in the face because I am so uncomfortable. I just wonder, how uncomfortable must you be with yourself that you can not even let your close friends see you without any make up on. I should also mention that this girl can not even fry plantain, and her mum had to cook batches of food for her every month for her. I dont know why I mentioned that but sha sha(what did the bible say about not judging others?..lol).

Then I have my lovely friend, chameleon, I call her chameleon because she looks like a very different person with make up on. We are always teasing her that we hope no boy uses her picture to judge what she looks like "ki okunrin ma fi picture fe e o" because the person you see in her pics and the person you see in the natural with no make up on are two different people. But at least she is comfortable in her natural skin which I think is very important for a woman.

Now my behaviour this morning freaked me out o. When did I become so insecure that I almost missed church because I had no make up on? I mean seriously. I was crying o, no jokes and I have decided I am going to get reacquainted with my natural self, and use make up only when I feel that there is a special occasion but I wont rely on it as a way to determine who I am. If people think I look ugly, na them know, I dont care.

But, the mystery of the missing make up bag continues o. We are still searching for it, trying to determine where and when it got lost. I am a bit depressed that I have to spend hard earned cash on new make up. Actually... my birthday is in a couple of weeks, so pls if anyone wants to give me a present(wink) then make up is the way to go. The most important things for me are eye liner, lip gloss , mascara and maybe powder, the normal mac nw 45. And blush please.THANK YOU!!!

Hope its the beginning of a fabulous week for you.
x

I LET GO.

Went to church today and it was intense. I dont know how many people are christians but for me, today was just another reminder of why I am a christain. It actually makes life so much easier contrary to popular belief. The fact that when you are hurting and heart broken, you can just call "Father" , God answers and takes over and you just lay your burden at his feet and it stops being your load alone to carry. The fact that even after committing millions and millions of sins, he can still forgive you when you ask him to is phenomenal. Alot of people don't get this and think it is too much but people forget that God is not like us human beings, he is called God for a reason.

Anyway, back to the topic of this post, Today's easter sunday service was about love and forgiveness. We are asked to take Jesus Christ as our example. He made such a huge sacrifice for our sins and is willing to forgive us, then who are we not to forgive someone who has hurt us? Why hold on to all that pain and bitterness when we can just LET GO.

So in light of that theme, i have decided to let go of all my bitterness and anger and resentment:

My Father: I am letting go of all this anger I feel regarding you. You have never been good to my mother. I always felt you loved me less than others and do not think I deserve as much love or support as you seem to give them(maybe this is just me paranoia speaking). But today, I am letting go. I am going to try to just love you and not hold any of it against you.

Mum: Why did you have to have a child for a man who already had two wives and nine children. why did you have to put me in this family? why did you let me go at the age of 7 to live with these people and make me the outcast. why didnt you talk to me more or make your self available? these are my reasons for being mad at you, for not calling you as often as other children all their mothers. I am letting go of all of that. I understand that sometimes life just happens the way it does and you are not to blame. You have tried to be a good mother and I am learning to appreciate the effort.

To you: You did some things to me as a child. I know I let you and I should have fought but I did not. Me keeping my distance is a result of this. I know you think I have forgotten, because I smile at you and joke with you but a part of me has never forgotten or forgiven you. But today, I am going to let go of the past hurt which has had present consequences. I forgive you and I will learn to replace that resentment with likeness if not love.

To you: I don't even want to spell it out and I won't. But I forgive you. You have caused me so much pain, it's insane and even till forever I will deal with the consequences. Of course you are not solely to blame but I have hated you for so long. So today I am letting go of you and the hatred and the anger. I don't know if I can love you but I will stop hating you.

To cousin B: for stealing my fave top when i was 12. Iknew it was you and even till today I can't stand you..lol.. but I forgive you.

To my wonderful Sis: I always felt you didn't like me much and for obvious reasons. I am the creation from your father's infidelity. I am one of the many proofs. And I honestly apologise for it. But i dont think that is enough reason for you to blame me everytime or point accusing fingers at me when something goes wrong. Pls do not hold me responsible for the crime of which I am only a by-product. Trust me, I wish I wasn't but that is life.

To you, my wonderful brother: you have pointed out to me once that I do not belong,taking my insecurities and using them against me. I do not look like you guys and I belong on my mother's side. I never forgave you for that. Even when everyone blamed it on your illness and asked me not to take it personally, I could not help myself but hate you. And I guess that explains my lack of sympathy for you. I want to love and blame it all on that horrible condition you have just like evryone does, but I find it so hard. Today, I replace my unforgiving heart with a loving heart. Today, I replace my mean spirited comments with prayed for your recovery. Today I ask God for a miracle for you.

To other people who I have a grudge against for one reason or another, Iam letting go. I am going to replace my bitchy and snide remarks with kind words, filled with warmth.
*************************************************************************************

PHEW... that was a bit of a relief.... I lie. These things are too easy to say and write but they have not been put to the test yet. That is when we really see the results. But I do want to forgive and let go. I hate having all of this anger in me. It makes a bitter person, one incapable of love. When your heart is filled with so much pain, the best cure is to let go of that pain and fill your heart with love and I really want to just do that. So today, I ask the Lord to help me to forgive and JUST LET IT GO.

Its not such a crazy idea people. It is possible to forgive others and you will realise how much easier life can be. I really do hope we can all try it.

x

FOOLISH MEN and other stories..

I had an interesting chat with some guy online the other day. It is true that i have known this guy for a while now and once upon a time(when i was young and naive) i might have liked him a little(he also was not married then and did not have any children). However, time waits for no man and things changed, I moved and realised that plane was not gonna fly. Anyway the conversation went something like this:

Foolish man: Ahn ahn beautiful soul, you never respond to me anymore.
Beautiful Soul: Oh hello foolish man, long time. Whats gud?
FM: I asked you to come to Paris with me and you said no.
BS:(who was tired and in no mood for rubbish). I feel so sorry for your wife foolish man.
FM: what do you mean?
BS: you are a married man with a family. How can you be making such proposals to me. And your poor wife is sitting at home with the children. And i am sure I am not the only one you make sure proposals to. I mean seriously, the other time you asked me to go to new york with you while your wife was in LA. I feel very bad for your family.( In other words, you are a shameless good for nothing human being who knows better than to prey on a young girl like me)
FM: Whatever, that gives you no reason to be running your mouth anyhow?
BS: running my mouth? Just because i am telling you the truth.

Of course at this point MR. foolish man decides the conversation was over and does not say anything else.
This brings me to my point. Is this not a reflection on me and the way people see me? Why is it that they make sure propositions to me? Do they see or know something about me that makes them bold enough to think i am one useless girl with or morals? What the fuck do i look like? SERIOUSLY?

This is not the only man. Another one too was in the states with his fiancee and then asks if he can stop by in london to see me because he still wants me( that is to say, he wants to have sex with me o..which is what he said in least subtle way). I dont know what gave him the impression that i was some kind of sex goddess that is worth flying across the ocean for.

Anyways, moving on...
I went home to london for the weekend to see my father who happens to be in the country. I went out for drinks when i got home and didn't get back till late. Anyway, i wake up in the morning only to hear the voice of a woman coming from my father's room. I am thinking, hmmm, that sounds nothing like any of my step mothers and on that note i tried to go back to bed. BUT, THEY JUST WONT SHUT UP. So decided to make my self useful and started cleaning the house. The woman then comes into the bathroom i was cleaning and looks shocked to see me. "Ahh beautiful soul, mi o mo pe o wa around, ni gba wo lo de?" (beautiful soul, i didnt know you were around, when did you get back). SEE ME SEE TROUBLE. EEE WA GBAMI?( SAVE ME O). Who in the world are you? what is your business whether i am around or not, as far i know you are not wife number twenty something and i do not owe u any explanations. ABI?( please understand none of these words came out of my mouth, they just stayed in the pretty little head they were being thought).....

Anyways, the reason i mention this little random story is that i think what people know about my father affects the way people see his children. ABI, why else will idiotic fools decide they can make stupid propositions and expect me to accept. like father like daughter, no be so?

I saw an old friend the other day and i was so embarassed, she was so happy to inform me(in front of other people) that my very married brother, with the most beautiful family was having an affair with someone she knew. IMAGINE. Pls, who should i blame but my father( of course my brother too). The lack of morals is obviously genetic and now the thought of being married just does not do it for me at all. I refused to be caught in this cycle. WHY IN THE WORLD DO PEOPLE GET MARRIED IF THEY CAN NOT BE FAITHFUL? At least if you are not married, it is easy for you to just break it off without the complications of a divorce and the children being torn apart? KI LO DE? na by force?

this post could go on forever. I have serious studying to do.

xx

Dancing my way out of being FAT!

On a lighter note... I AM FREAKING OVERWEIGHT. No freaking joke... ITS DEPRESSING!!

So i walked into boots the other day and they had one of those big weight machine things. you know the ones that analyse your weight, height, BMI, and body fat.

So i weigh 67.something kilos,(i honestly thought it was 65). The ideal i should weigh for my age is 65.6 (at the most). I think the fact that i had my clothes on might have made me a bit heavier.. that is the story i am sticking to.

My BMI(body mass index) calculated by dividing your weight by your height, is 25.8 and for my young age it should not be more than 25.

BODY FAT% is 32.8 which is just average. an extra 0.8 and it will be very poor. Now about this body fat thing, can i just say that I am a girl with BOOBS AND ASS.. and i know these two parts of my body are made of mostly fat(i think). So pls, they have to understand that those parts should not count. Its not like my boobs are HUGE, but they are not small and i have a nice big enough ass. Not too big or too small.

Any way in light of these results, I have decided to change my ways. Be healthier with my food, I have joined the gym and i have been going and its actually nice to go.Didnt go today though, decided to dance and jump around in my room instead. Did a few sit ups, to tone the flabs that are threatening to reveal my FAT secret.

Now can i just say to my lovely ladies... and gents. Pls be careful o. you might think you are okay and you look healthy but you NEVER KNOW. It is better to deal with these things now and not wait until it is too late. If anyone tells you that you look okay and you don't need exercise or to eat better, DON'T LISTEN. Those people just want to sabotage you.LOL.

Meanwhile, I am seriously considering going on that Beyonce diet. My step mum mentioned it to me. You mix maple syrup, cayenne pepper and lime with 2 litres of water everyday and drink it for five days without eating anything else. It sounds very intriguing. I just dont how i can concentrate on my many essays and exams coming up with only water and condiments in my stomach. maybe i'll do it for 2 days, but apparently it is not as effective.

x

I REMEMBER

Today, one of my step mothers came over to the house to see my dad and i felt very uneasy. Then i realised that it was not just unease but a strong dislike verging on hatred. Then i remembered a few episodes from a child when she was the main housewife and i was the main outcast in the house(that is how i always felt).

When i was in secondary school, Jss 3 to be precise, i had to stay in school for half term because we had one of those exams coming on , I think it was called NBEM(no clue what it means). My stepbrother and i happened to be in the same year as he is only a few months older than I am. When students stay in school for the half term week, their parents send them provisions,(my school did not allow such during normal term time).

So, Miss BS(thats me by the way) was so excited about getting her goodies from home and waited what seemed like hours for the driver to arrive. So finally he comes and he stops by at my hostel first. I was so excited, i started checking out the stuff in the car. As i was checking out my goodies, my eyes noticed my brother's bag and i realised that we did not exactly have the same thing. Something i should have mentioned, my step brother is the son of said step mother. Anyways, as a 13 yr old girl, i was curious and decided to go through his provisions. And i noticed MAJOR differences( pls i was a child and these things were important then).

1) step brother ( shall call him hot head) got 2 packs rice krispies while yours truly got NASCO conflakes, one pack to precise.
2) hot head got a big bottle of janded ribena, yours truly got tasty time.
3) while hot head had to tins of milk and milo, i got only one tin each.
4) he obviously got more of everything else than i did.

Now, the SHOCK i felt, was immense. It was at that moment that i realised i was a second class citizen in my father's house and my status as an outcast was established. From that moment on, i kept my distance, i never went into her room unless i had to, i never asked for anything unless it was crucial and i never spoke to my step mother except she spoke to me first. All this was easy to go unnoticed as it was a big family and one person could easily invincible(this might explain my mood swings and my bad habit of keeping things in until i explode).

Another reason why i think i don't like this woman is that i remember her being the reason why my father slapped me for the very first time. I have a strict father but he was hardly ever physical. His words and facial expressions were scary enough. Therefore, for him to have gotten so angry that he thought a slap was necessary was pretty hard to swallow. I can't remember the exact details but i know it involved something like me mistakenly giving away some of uniforms to the gateman's children during one of our spring cleaning. I remember asking the woman for new uniforms and explaining my mistake to her. Its not like i could go back to the gateman to ask for the clothes i had already given them. Of course, she had to shout the whole house down and report the incident to my father. She said in such a way that my father got so pissed off that he slapped me in his rage. I don't think i ever forgave that woman. I think even at that age i saw a degree of maliciousness(word?) that made me wary of her. I knew that she would never have done such a thing to any of my step siblings and it made me realise that i was not wanted in that house.

There are a few more incidents that i can not be bothered to go into. Just remembering them is exhausting and makes me hate her even more.I know i am a grown ass woman now and i should let things go, and i have but i also know that she is someone i can never be comfortable with. Meanwhile the fact that my father made me go with her to sainsburys to purchase a few things was just painful. the walk was painful and the whole experience was just so uncomfortable.

This is one step mother in a few, i shall probably write about others and of course about my mother. I realise that these childhood experiences have contributed to who i am as a person on some level. Perhaps writing about them can help me understand myself more as well as help me let go of some of the memories.

Thoughts and more thoughts.

So,

I know i am bothered by something, i just can't figure out what it is.

Evidence that i am bothered:

I am ignoring my phone
I am ignoring people trying to chat with me online
It's my friend's birthday today and i am not going (she lives in the same accomodation as me, infact just a few rooms away). I have proceeded to wear a hoodie anytime i leave my room, lest she or anyone sees me.
I ignore my flatmates who try to have little chats with me( well, except you count growling and "i really don't feel like talking" as appropriate responses)
There is a lot going on in my head but i don't feel that those thoughts are coming from me, its almost like an out of mind experience)
I am pissed off with the world(for no particular reason).

Actually, I don't think i am bothered by anything in particular, I am just a moody cow who switches between extremes of happiness and sadness and anger and irritation and everything.

Now, I shall try to look for the possible reasons that result in this bad behaviour.

1) I blame my extremely dysfunctional family. When you are an only one in a polygamous family(I mean the only child between the same parents), you kind of drift of into yourself, you learn to keep things in which then result in a kind of internal explosion of emotions that you fight to control and the frustration makes you angry with the world hence the anger with people who have nothing to do with it.

2) When you might be crazy about another person who refuses to express his feelings, it can be quite annoying. You can't call the person because you have your pride as well as your determination to distance yourself from said person so as to avoid a broken heart(never had one but i hear it hurts terribly).

3) When your best friend/sister is a continent away, working her ass off, making her less available for you to talk to when you want and say what you want, you tend to get angry with the world for not being as understanding, patient and as cool as your sister which means you can't find for a suitable replacement.

4) When you realise your final year exams are just about 11 weeks away and you havent even started any of the 50% essays that you need to get a sensible result. You are aware that your family expects a certain standard and you know there is no way they are going to get it, you tend to panic at the thought of not getting the next best thing that could make them remotely happy.

5) I do not have a plan after uni. This sucks. I HATE DEPENDING ON MY FAMILY. I have realised that sometimes people are unreliable and never do anything when they are supposed to(myself included of course). You get angry at your inability to get a freaking job(my rejection from a company i applied to and really like makes it worse) and the thought of continued dependence onDaddy's money.

6) Why doesn't he want to be with me? Actually, i lie i know he has a million reasons for not wanting to be with me(we already tried and i broke if off). But surely another chance is not too much to ask for, or is it??.. even i know i am taking the piss with that one.

7) Why didn't i spend more time with my mother as a child? or a teenager instead of having various stepmothers who either hated me or just knew i wasn't that important. I think maybe I won't have made some of the mistakes i made and maybe now i won't have to keep remembering the consequences which are just depressing to think about and i might be a much happier person like i used to be when i was whatever age.

On a happier note... actually there is no happier note. this is it.

FORGIVE AND FORGET??? je ne pense pas.

Forgiveness is a strong word but its an even a stonger act. When a person who you trust deeply betrays you, it is even harder to forgive the person. You might tell them you have forgiven them and laugh and smile with them but does that really mean you have forgiven them? I mean the betrayal is still on your mind and everytime they say something or they do something, you remember it and your inability to forget also signifies your inability to forgive them.

Okay, before it seems like i am just rambling.. i'll explain myself and where this is is coming from.

One of my closest(well, not so much) friends in the world betrayed me. She told a friend of hers one of my deepest secrets, something i told her because i trusted her enough with the information. This is one of those secrets that you regret as being a part of your life. One of those things that you struggle with everyday to forget or if not forget, at least you try to move on despite of it.
Now, it'll be relatively cool if it never got back to me or if i never find out. But of course trust people now, they can't help but want to talk and if in the process they hurt anyone, then so be it. So this my friend's friend decides to tell another one of my friends that miss beautiful soul did so and so. Pls bear in mind that i never mentioned this thing to my other friend (let us call him Sean) who happened to be a childhood friend and who considered me to be one of his best friends. So miss busy body decides to tell sean about what his friend beautiful soul did and how she is going to hell and what not(don't really know what she said but knowing her, anything is possible). Of course, Sean is so disappointed that he comes back to yours truly to confirm the story and seeing as i am a terrible liar, i did not deny it. He never told me who gave him the information.

Finally about a month ago, he told me the truth, my wonderful friend( i shall name her chameleon) told his friend busy body and that was his source. I have never been as disappointed as i was to find out that chameleon, my closest friend was the person who helped in getting this secret out. I still think about it today and it still hurts. I have no idea why she would have told miss busy body of all people this thing. I almost feel like on some subconscious level, she did it, knowing it will hurt me forever. Even if i never found out miss busy body knew the secret, the fact that she knew is still harmful because knowing her, she has probably told the whole world.

Okay i know i might have lost my flow somewhere but just to bring it all together. I am advising people that trust is overrated, it is those people who you think will never hurt you that will betray you and won't even feel sorry about it. Chameleon apologised, but i think she was only sorry that i found out what she did, not the fact that she did it. I still love her to bits but everytime she says something i remind her of what she did and how much it hurt me and how i can never forget it. So honestly, i dont think i can forgive her or forget.

The irony of this situation is that i have forgiven other people of worse things but then again i never trusted them the way i trusted her which is probably why her betrayal is that much more painful.

This has taught me a big lesson, be careful what you do and who you trust. I do blame myself, i did make some stupid mistakes and sharing it with others in the name of trust was even more stupid. Now I am even more reserved than before. People don't know this because i laugh and talk alot but i am very careful about what i say and who I say it to.

As my lovely friend once said "does do not tell anybody still mean do not tell anybody"?

c'est la vie!

Now that my ramblings are over. I shall go to bed

ITS TIME TO LET YOU GO!

I am ready to face the truth. i have to move on. You have played your part in the script of my life and i yell CUT!. That's the end of your role, now i have to go on the next scene. It does not include you, at least not in the immediate future. Even if it does, you will only be an extra not the leading man that you have portrayed for so long.

I want a fresh start and i find its impossible with you still lurking around. You are my obsession, i always find myself coming back to you and telling you everything, my deepest secrets, regrets and mistakes waiting for you to tell me how to feel. Your reactions are my reactions, without doing very much at all, you are able to control me. I don't like it. I know I am at my most open and vulnerable with you but i think i should learn to be open with someone else. I have pushed this enough.

I have to accept the fact that you might be the reason i am stuck atimes. You hold all my mistakes against me and refuse to consider the possibility that change is possible and i dont need that around me. I want to be able to move forward in my life and your cynicism makes me cynical about the possibility of that happening.

I love you and i always will, but i know i am a big girl and i can stand alone without constantly looking to you for direction and even if that is what i need, you are not the person i should turn to. I have my God who you don't believe in anyway.

I want to say THANK YOU for the role you have played in my life and i am extremely grateful, you really are an angel. You are my weakness, my guilty pleasure.... no more. From this moment, i say a gradual good bye to you. It is not going to be an immediate end to our relationship but it reminds me that the end is near withouth a climatic episode.

NOW BOW OUT AND GO!!!

BUT... WHAT IF... MAYBE...

At the end of last year, I decided to lay off men and stay clean for awhile. I made this decision for certain reasons

Firstly, in the last year i dated about 4 guys and had intimate relations with 4, i wont get into details and i just realised i made a mess of things. I had to face certain consequences i hope never to have to face again. PLUS I AM TOO YOUNG TO HAVE A BOOK OF A LIST!

I also lost a dear friend. We were friends before we dated and it didnt end well, he wont speak to me or acknowledge my messages which hurt for a while until i realised there wasnt much i could do to change things.

Also, i realised that there is only one person who i have had a connection with that i honestly believe gets me completely and i dont intend to date and whore myself around to find another person and that means i need time to really know who i am to discover what i need in a relationship, i hate the whole trial and error thing, it hurts and it is stressful(body no be firewood abeg).

However, God either has a sense of humour and this is all one big joke or he has really picked someone out for me and this could be it. There is a new GUY!!!! he appeared just after i decided to lay off men. Its not like he is the only GUY, but he is the one i find myself liking, LIKING ALOT!!! And its scary, because I don't want to like him or anybody for that matter but i can't seem to help myself and the boy is not making things easier. HE IS NOT EVEN MY NORMAL TYPE.

Now the dilemma, I find myself reconsidering my decision, i know we make rules and stuff but they are there to be broke right (i went to secondary school and i know all about breaking rules). No matter how hard we plan something, fate intervenes and we realise we are not in control. So although i have decided not to date anyone, I think i am going to give this one a chance. Because you just never know, this could be IT!! I dont want to lose on a possibly good thing just because i have messed up so many times..

But what if this is a test, what if i am falling into the same trap that gets me into trouble in the first place?? and what if this is all just an illusion? what if the connection is a fragment of my imagination. I know i am desperate to believe that something good is out there.

I dont want to be my normal impetuos self, i want to look at things objectively and realistically without being negative and there is a thing line in my case.

So i have decided to give this a go.. i mean why not?? you never know..

xoxoxo.

ITS A NEW YEAR, A NEW BEGINNING

So,

Its a new year and i always have different things i want to achieve at the beginning of the year but as the clock struck 12 last night(while i was on the train after missing church). I realised that I made such of a mess of things the last year and I can hardly think of any positives to bring into this new year.

So many mistakes, so many wrong decisions, so many friends lost.. so many of everything negative, and as a result I enter this new year with a feeling of desperation. I am desperate not to do anything that will make me regret this new year as I have regretted the last year.

Therefore,

As this new year begins, I am going to try to do things right. Make the right decisions, think with my head and not mess things up. I am going to get rid of the bad habits I have acquired and accept that i am not invisible. I am going to be a better person, I am not going to make rash decisions. I am aware it is going to be hard to achieve these things, i have gotten to the point where i dont remember who i used to be, which is scary, i dont recognise this person i have become and i dont even like her.

This blog is really about me.. trying to discover who i am, who i was and a way to keep myself in check. Its a sort of record book. It is also a way for me to re-evaluate my life, try to figure out when things started going wrong.


This is the beginning of a new beginning for me.