Thoughts and more thoughts.

So,

I know i am bothered by something, i just can't figure out what it is.

Evidence that i am bothered:

I am ignoring my phone
I am ignoring people trying to chat with me online
It's my friend's birthday today and i am not going (she lives in the same accomodation as me, infact just a few rooms away). I have proceeded to wear a hoodie anytime i leave my room, lest she or anyone sees me.
I ignore my flatmates who try to have little chats with me( well, except you count growling and "i really don't feel like talking" as appropriate responses)
There is a lot going on in my head but i don't feel that those thoughts are coming from me, its almost like an out of mind experience)
I am pissed off with the world(for no particular reason).

Actually, I don't think i am bothered by anything in particular, I am just a moody cow who switches between extremes of happiness and sadness and anger and irritation and everything.

Now, I shall try to look for the possible reasons that result in this bad behaviour.

1) I blame my extremely dysfunctional family. When you are an only one in a polygamous family(I mean the only child between the same parents), you kind of drift of into yourself, you learn to keep things in which then result in a kind of internal explosion of emotions that you fight to control and the frustration makes you angry with the world hence the anger with people who have nothing to do with it.

2) When you might be crazy about another person who refuses to express his feelings, it can be quite annoying. You can't call the person because you have your pride as well as your determination to distance yourself from said person so as to avoid a broken heart(never had one but i hear it hurts terribly).

3) When your best friend/sister is a continent away, working her ass off, making her less available for you to talk to when you want and say what you want, you tend to get angry with the world for not being as understanding, patient and as cool as your sister which means you can't find for a suitable replacement.

4) When you realise your final year exams are just about 11 weeks away and you havent even started any of the 50% essays that you need to get a sensible result. You are aware that your family expects a certain standard and you know there is no way they are going to get it, you tend to panic at the thought of not getting the next best thing that could make them remotely happy.

5) I do not have a plan after uni. This sucks. I HATE DEPENDING ON MY FAMILY. I have realised that sometimes people are unreliable and never do anything when they are supposed to(myself included of course). You get angry at your inability to get a freaking job(my rejection from a company i applied to and really like makes it worse) and the thought of continued dependence onDaddy's money.

6) Why doesn't he want to be with me? Actually, i lie i know he has a million reasons for not wanting to be with me(we already tried and i broke if off). But surely another chance is not too much to ask for, or is it??.. even i know i am taking the piss with that one.

7) Why didn't i spend more time with my mother as a child? or a teenager instead of having various stepmothers who either hated me or just knew i wasn't that important. I think maybe I won't have made some of the mistakes i made and maybe now i won't have to keep remembering the consequences which are just depressing to think about and i might be a much happier person like i used to be when i was whatever age.

On a happier note... actually there is no happier note. this is it.

FORGIVE AND FORGET??? je ne pense pas.

Forgiveness is a strong word but its an even a stonger act. When a person who you trust deeply betrays you, it is even harder to forgive the person. You might tell them you have forgiven them and laugh and smile with them but does that really mean you have forgiven them? I mean the betrayal is still on your mind and everytime they say something or they do something, you remember it and your inability to forget also signifies your inability to forgive them.

Okay, before it seems like i am just rambling.. i'll explain myself and where this is is coming from.

One of my closest(well, not so much) friends in the world betrayed me. She told a friend of hers one of my deepest secrets, something i told her because i trusted her enough with the information. This is one of those secrets that you regret as being a part of your life. One of those things that you struggle with everyday to forget or if not forget, at least you try to move on despite of it.
Now, it'll be relatively cool if it never got back to me or if i never find out. But of course trust people now, they can't help but want to talk and if in the process they hurt anyone, then so be it. So this my friend's friend decides to tell another one of my friends that miss beautiful soul did so and so. Pls bear in mind that i never mentioned this thing to my other friend (let us call him Sean) who happened to be a childhood friend and who considered me to be one of his best friends. So miss busy body decides to tell sean about what his friend beautiful soul did and how she is going to hell and what not(don't really know what she said but knowing her, anything is possible). Of course, Sean is so disappointed that he comes back to yours truly to confirm the story and seeing as i am a terrible liar, i did not deny it. He never told me who gave him the information.

Finally about a month ago, he told me the truth, my wonderful friend( i shall name her chameleon) told his friend busy body and that was his source. I have never been as disappointed as i was to find out that chameleon, my closest friend was the person who helped in getting this secret out. I still think about it today and it still hurts. I have no idea why she would have told miss busy body of all people this thing. I almost feel like on some subconscious level, she did it, knowing it will hurt me forever. Even if i never found out miss busy body knew the secret, the fact that she knew is still harmful because knowing her, she has probably told the whole world.

Okay i know i might have lost my flow somewhere but just to bring it all together. I am advising people that trust is overrated, it is those people who you think will never hurt you that will betray you and won't even feel sorry about it. Chameleon apologised, but i think she was only sorry that i found out what she did, not the fact that she did it. I still love her to bits but everytime she says something i remind her of what she did and how much it hurt me and how i can never forget it. So honestly, i dont think i can forgive her or forget.

The irony of this situation is that i have forgiven other people of worse things but then again i never trusted them the way i trusted her which is probably why her betrayal is that much more painful.

This has taught me a big lesson, be careful what you do and who you trust. I do blame myself, i did make some stupid mistakes and sharing it with others in the name of trust was even more stupid. Now I am even more reserved than before. People don't know this because i laugh and talk alot but i am very careful about what i say and who I say it to.

As my lovely friend once said "does do not tell anybody still mean do not tell anybody"?

c'est la vie!

Now that my ramblings are over. I shall go to bed