ITS TIME TO LET YOU GO!

I am ready to face the truth. i have to move on. You have played your part in the script of my life and i yell CUT!. That's the end of your role, now i have to go on the next scene. It does not include you, at least not in the immediate future. Even if it does, you will only be an extra not the leading man that you have portrayed for so long.

I want a fresh start and i find its impossible with you still lurking around. You are my obsession, i always find myself coming back to you and telling you everything, my deepest secrets, regrets and mistakes waiting for you to tell me how to feel. Your reactions are my reactions, without doing very much at all, you are able to control me. I don't like it. I know I am at my most open and vulnerable with you but i think i should learn to be open with someone else. I have pushed this enough.

I have to accept the fact that you might be the reason i am stuck atimes. You hold all my mistakes against me and refuse to consider the possibility that change is possible and i dont need that around me. I want to be able to move forward in my life and your cynicism makes me cynical about the possibility of that happening.

I love you and i always will, but i know i am a big girl and i can stand alone without constantly looking to you for direction and even if that is what i need, you are not the person i should turn to. I have my God who you don't believe in anyway.

I want to say THANK YOU for the role you have played in my life and i am extremely grateful, you really are an angel. You are my weakness, my guilty pleasure.... no more. From this moment, i say a gradual good bye to you. It is not going to be an immediate end to our relationship but it reminds me that the end is near withouth a climatic episode.

NOW BOW OUT AND GO!!!

BUT... WHAT IF... MAYBE...

At the end of last year, I decided to lay off men and stay clean for awhile. I made this decision for certain reasons

Firstly, in the last year i dated about 4 guys and had intimate relations with 4, i wont get into details and i just realised i made a mess of things. I had to face certain consequences i hope never to have to face again. PLUS I AM TOO YOUNG TO HAVE A BOOK OF A LIST!

I also lost a dear friend. We were friends before we dated and it didnt end well, he wont speak to me or acknowledge my messages which hurt for a while until i realised there wasnt much i could do to change things.

Also, i realised that there is only one person who i have had a connection with that i honestly believe gets me completely and i dont intend to date and whore myself around to find another person and that means i need time to really know who i am to discover what i need in a relationship, i hate the whole trial and error thing, it hurts and it is stressful(body no be firewood abeg).

However, God either has a sense of humour and this is all one big joke or he has really picked someone out for me and this could be it. There is a new GUY!!!! he appeared just after i decided to lay off men. Its not like he is the only GUY, but he is the one i find myself liking, LIKING ALOT!!! And its scary, because I don't want to like him or anybody for that matter but i can't seem to help myself and the boy is not making things easier. HE IS NOT EVEN MY NORMAL TYPE.

Now the dilemma, I find myself reconsidering my decision, i know we make rules and stuff but they are there to be broke right (i went to secondary school and i know all about breaking rules). No matter how hard we plan something, fate intervenes and we realise we are not in control. So although i have decided not to date anyone, I think i am going to give this one a chance. Because you just never know, this could be IT!! I dont want to lose on a possibly good thing just because i have messed up so many times..

But what if this is a test, what if i am falling into the same trap that gets me into trouble in the first place?? and what if this is all just an illusion? what if the connection is a fragment of my imagination. I know i am desperate to believe that something good is out there.

I dont want to be my normal impetuos self, i want to look at things objectively and realistically without being negative and there is a thing line in my case.

So i have decided to give this a go.. i mean why not?? you never know..

xoxoxo.

ITS A NEW YEAR, A NEW BEGINNING

So,

Its a new year and i always have different things i want to achieve at the beginning of the year but as the clock struck 12 last night(while i was on the train after missing church). I realised that I made such of a mess of things the last year and I can hardly think of any positives to bring into this new year.

So many mistakes, so many wrong decisions, so many friends lost.. so many of everything negative, and as a result I enter this new year with a feeling of desperation. I am desperate not to do anything that will make me regret this new year as I have regretted the last year.

Therefore,

As this new year begins, I am going to try to do things right. Make the right decisions, think with my head and not mess things up. I am going to get rid of the bad habits I have acquired and accept that i am not invisible. I am going to be a better person, I am not going to make rash decisions. I am aware it is going to be hard to achieve these things, i have gotten to the point where i dont remember who i used to be, which is scary, i dont recognise this person i have become and i dont even like her.

This blog is really about me.. trying to discover who i am, who i was and a way to keep myself in check. Its a sort of record book. It is also a way for me to re-evaluate my life, try to figure out when things started going wrong.


This is the beginning of a new beginning for me.