FORGIVE AND FORGET??? je ne pense pas.

Forgiveness is a strong word but its an even a stonger act. When a person who you trust deeply betrays you, it is even harder to forgive the person. You might tell them you have forgiven them and laugh and smile with them but does that really mean you have forgiven them? I mean the betrayal is still on your mind and everytime they say something or they do something, you remember it and your inability to forget also signifies your inability to forgive them.

Okay, before it seems like i am just rambling.. i'll explain myself and where this is is coming from.

One of my closest(well, not so much) friends in the world betrayed me. She told a friend of hers one of my deepest secrets, something i told her because i trusted her enough with the information. This is one of those secrets that you regret as being a part of your life. One of those things that you struggle with everyday to forget or if not forget, at least you try to move on despite of it.
Now, it'll be relatively cool if it never got back to me or if i never find out. But of course trust people now, they can't help but want to talk and if in the process they hurt anyone, then so be it. So this my friend's friend decides to tell another one of my friends that miss beautiful soul did so and so. Pls bear in mind that i never mentioned this thing to my other friend (let us call him Sean) who happened to be a childhood friend and who considered me to be one of his best friends. So miss busy body decides to tell sean about what his friend beautiful soul did and how she is going to hell and what not(don't really know what she said but knowing her, anything is possible). Of course, Sean is so disappointed that he comes back to yours truly to confirm the story and seeing as i am a terrible liar, i did not deny it. He never told me who gave him the information.

Finally about a month ago, he told me the truth, my wonderful friend( i shall name her chameleon) told his friend busy body and that was his source. I have never been as disappointed as i was to find out that chameleon, my closest friend was the person who helped in getting this secret out. I still think about it today and it still hurts. I have no idea why she would have told miss busy body of all people this thing. I almost feel like on some subconscious level, she did it, knowing it will hurt me forever. Even if i never found out miss busy body knew the secret, the fact that she knew is still harmful because knowing her, she has probably told the whole world.

Okay i know i might have lost my flow somewhere but just to bring it all together. I am advising people that trust is overrated, it is those people who you think will never hurt you that will betray you and won't even feel sorry about it. Chameleon apologised, but i think she was only sorry that i found out what she did, not the fact that she did it. I still love her to bits but everytime she says something i remind her of what she did and how much it hurt me and how i can never forget it. So honestly, i dont think i can forgive her or forget.

The irony of this situation is that i have forgiven other people of worse things but then again i never trusted them the way i trusted her which is probably why her betrayal is that much more painful.

This has taught me a big lesson, be careful what you do and who you trust. I do blame myself, i did make some stupid mistakes and sharing it with others in the name of trust was even more stupid. Now I am even more reserved than before. People don't know this because i laugh and talk alot but i am very careful about what i say and who I say it to.

As my lovely friend once said "does do not tell anybody still mean do not tell anybody"?

c'est la vie!

Now that my ramblings are over. I shall go to bed