Thoughts and more thoughts.

So,

I know i am bothered by something, i just can't figure out what it is.

Evidence that i am bothered:

I am ignoring my phone
I am ignoring people trying to chat with me online
It's my friend's birthday today and i am not going (she lives in the same accomodation as me, infact just a few rooms away). I have proceeded to wear a hoodie anytime i leave my room, lest she or anyone sees me.
I ignore my flatmates who try to have little chats with me( well, except you count growling and "i really don't feel like talking" as appropriate responses)
There is a lot going on in my head but i don't feel that those thoughts are coming from me, its almost like an out of mind experience)
I am pissed off with the world(for no particular reason).

Actually, I don't think i am bothered by anything in particular, I am just a moody cow who switches between extremes of happiness and sadness and anger and irritation and everything.

Now, I shall try to look for the possible reasons that result in this bad behaviour.

1) I blame my extremely dysfunctional family. When you are an only one in a polygamous family(I mean the only child between the same parents), you kind of drift of into yourself, you learn to keep things in which then result in a kind of internal explosion of emotions that you fight to control and the frustration makes you angry with the world hence the anger with people who have nothing to do with it.

2) When you might be crazy about another person who refuses to express his feelings, it can be quite annoying. You can't call the person because you have your pride as well as your determination to distance yourself from said person so as to avoid a broken heart(never had one but i hear it hurts terribly).

3) When your best friend/sister is a continent away, working her ass off, making her less available for you to talk to when you want and say what you want, you tend to get angry with the world for not being as understanding, patient and as cool as your sister which means you can't find for a suitable replacement.

4) When you realise your final year exams are just about 11 weeks away and you havent even started any of the 50% essays that you need to get a sensible result. You are aware that your family expects a certain standard and you know there is no way they are going to get it, you tend to panic at the thought of not getting the next best thing that could make them remotely happy.

5) I do not have a plan after uni. This sucks. I HATE DEPENDING ON MY FAMILY. I have realised that sometimes people are unreliable and never do anything when they are supposed to(myself included of course). You get angry at your inability to get a freaking job(my rejection from a company i applied to and really like makes it worse) and the thought of continued dependence onDaddy's money.

6) Why doesn't he want to be with me? Actually, i lie i know he has a million reasons for not wanting to be with me(we already tried and i broke if off). But surely another chance is not too much to ask for, or is it??.. even i know i am taking the piss with that one.

7) Why didn't i spend more time with my mother as a child? or a teenager instead of having various stepmothers who either hated me or just knew i wasn't that important. I think maybe I won't have made some of the mistakes i made and maybe now i won't have to keep remembering the consequences which are just depressing to think about and i might be a much happier person like i used to be when i was whatever age.

On a happier note... actually there is no happier note. this is it.